Do you know what you actually need — or just what you want?
While you chase what you want, you may be neglecting what you actually need.
We frequently confuse our wants with our needs.
This confusion creates a lot of unnecessary unhappiness.
Let me first show it to you in relationships.
Sally thinks she needs George. She says she can’t live without him.
She doesn’t need George. She needs affection. Emotional support. Care.
If George can’t or won’t satisfy her emotional needs, she could choose to walk away.
She will unless she thinks “I need George to feel okay”.
Her fear of losing that relationship will rob her of the choice to leave George.
At work, we need appreciation for our contribution.
It should mean a fair salary, steady career progression and regular thank yous.
And yet, this is what I’ve observed happens when natural needs harden into inflexible wants.
If you think you need money to be okay, you will stay for that paycheck.
You will fear a pay cut and numb your ambition even if you are unfulfilled.
If you think you need career progression to be okay, you will work all hours.
You will fear missing out at work and instead miss out on your children’s bath time.
If you think you need to be told that you did a good job, you will seek validation.
You will fear critical feedback and become dependent on your manager’s approval.
Fear constrains choice.
When needs harden into wants, lives narrow.
A natural need which has hardened into an inflexible want is a signal that something is off.
Like the tip of the proverbial iceberg, it’s just the visible part of an underlying issue.
There is something deeper going on.
When you discover your true, underlying need, you will regain choice and agency.
The Relationship Wisdom pivot: your want is the signal that points to a real need – as yet unmet.
What do you actually need, and how else could you fulfil it?
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📧 alexandra@coachingforinspiration.com
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