“So you’re saying, it’s not just me?”
Another question I hear too often.
And also: “Can you make the ache disappear?”
Gut-wrenching 🤛
So many feel isolated in the workplace — even though they are surrounded by people, instant messages, meetings — noise. A lot of attention may even be paid to them — not always of the kind they wish for however.
We all know human beings are social creatures: how can it be that we get to feel so lonely in a crowded office?
And what to do about it?
In my posts, I regularly reference a thinker I admire. Marcus Aurelius, Henri Laborit.
Today: Paul Gilbert, a renowned British clinical psychologist.
Professor Gilbert encourages compassion which he defines as “a sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it.”
I first came across Gilbert while on sick leave during a burnout — and feeling extremely lonely: a lovely friend gifted me his most celebrated book ‘The Compassionate Mind’. There are no words to convey the size of my eye roll as I unwrapped her present 🙄
And yet.
This quickly became one of my top 5 books.
My understanding of compassion was acts of kindness towards someone in pain.
Someone else.
It never occurred to me I might extend compassion to myself: I eventually realised that I thought of self-compassion as indulgent self-pity borne of weakness and manifest in whining. Certainly not Stoic ‘moi’.
In reality, self-compassion requires incredible courage: acknowledging the pain of loneliness, the shame of isolation, the mistakes we made and the disregard of others. Heavy stuff.
When loneliness goes unexamined — when we ignore that pain rather than face it — that is Relationship Friction with yourself.
In my experience and increasingly in others’, self-compassion is the effective way out.
The Relationship Wisdom pivot: heal isolation with self-compassion.
At the core of self-compassion is a simple though, at first glance, perhaps odd notion:
You are your own best friend.
No, I don’t mean: be kind to yourself.
Though why not.
I mean: behave towards yourself as your best friend would. A useful best friend:
No molly-coddling. No free pass. No slacking.
Also no criticism. No blame. No judgement.
Self-compassion is warm when you feel cold.
Encouraging when you feel disheartened.
Empowering when you feel helpless.
With self-compassion, you bounce back faster.
With self-compassion, you will never be alone again.
As for why loneliness takes hold in a crowded office — that is a longer conversation.
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📧 alexandra@coachingforinspiration.com
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