In this article series, I explore how Relationship Friction and Relationship Wisdom shape career progression through apparently innocuous and yet critical, often recurring workplace moments.
We began with the Direct Contributor, examining what happens when a task is assigned and misunderstood. Then we looked at the First-Time Manager, navigating the delicate shift from doing the work to enabling others to do it.
If you missed these articles, here are their links:
[Receiving a Project: Relationship Wisdom That Shapes Your Career]and
[Delegation for First-Time Managers: The Art of Letting Go]
Today, let me invite you into a moment characteristic of the work life of the Experienced Manager (EM).
At the EM level, you are no longer defined primarily by what you deliver personally, nor even by what your team delivers under your guidance. Rather, your effectiveness increasingly depends on your ability to influence – indeed shape and move – work that sits outside your direct control.
Let’s focus on one such moment: driving an initiative that requires resources, cooperation, or change from other department managers.
It looks like coordination.
In reality, it is a test of influence.
The Moment in Focus: Driving Work You Do Not Control
You are leading an initiative that matters.
It may be a process improvement, a system implementation, a compliance change, or a strategic project. On paper, it makes sense. The logic is sound. The benefits are clear.
But you cannot deliver it alone.
You need other managers to allocate resources, adjust priorities, or change the way their teams operate.
So you present your case.
There is polite agreement. Nods around the table. Perhaps even verbal support.
And then — nothing moves.
Follow-ups are slow. Commitments are vague. Deadlines slip. Energy dissipates.
You repeat your message. You clarify the benefits. You escalate slightly.
Still, resistance remains.
At this stage, many EMs reach a predictable conclusion: “We are not aligned.”
In fact, you probably think: “Aligned — not yet.” And so you push harder.
Sound familiar?
The Relationship Friction Trap: The More You Push, The More They Resist
The instinct to persuade more is understandable.
After all, your initiative is valid. It serves the organization. It may even solve problems that others have been complaining about for months.
So you:
From your perspective, you are being persistent and committed.
But from theirs, something else may be happening.
Because what you are experiencing as resistance may not be disagreement.
It may be protection.
Your initiative, however well-intentioned, may imply a loss for someone else.
A loss of:
And when loss is perceived, people do not simply evaluate proposals.
They defend positions.
At that point, the relational dynamic shifts.
The more you advocate, the more they feel the need to protect.
The more you push, the more they resist.
You experience them as “difficult”. You feel yourself become frustrated, irritated.
Maybe even disappointed.
Anger is not far behind.
You start venting – to your team, your manager, your peers, your spouse.
None of it is a good look.
And you are still not making any headway.
Here is why: the conversation you are having is not the conversation your interlocutors are in.
What Happens When This Pattern Persists
If this dynamic is not addressed, the consequences extend beyond a delayed project.
Apart from the fact that you are now losing sleep over your project going off the rails (or dying), something else is happening. It is subtle but everyone feels it: you, them, anyone paying attention.
You are beginning to acquire a different reputation.
Not as someone incompetent. Your logic is sound.
But as someone who:
In other words, you risk being labelled as a siloed leader.
At the EM level, this is a critical misstep.
Because your progression beyond this stage depends not on execution, but on organizational influence.
At the risk of stating the obvious: influence is not demonstrated by how clearly you present your case.
Instead, it is demonstrated by your ability to influence others who do not report to you.
You know that your lack of progress is hurting your career advancement prospects.
While the ground is shifting under your feet at work, your inner world is just as turbulent.
You may begin to feel:
And over time, that frustration may harden into disengagement or even cynicism.
The work begins to feel heavier than it should.
Not because it is more complex.
But because it is more relational and you are under-equipped in that arena.
You simply haven’t yet developed the relational capacity now required.
If you don’t take meaningful action quickly, this project will become a decisive turning point.
And not in your favour.
The Relationship Wisdom Pivot: The WIFM Approach
How might you handle this moment differently?
The shift begins with a simple but demanding realisation:
At this stage of your career, the problem is no longer your ability to build the right solution.
It is your ability to make that solution make sense to others – on their own terms.
This is where Relationship Wisdom comes in.
I call this the WIFM approach — often understood as “What’s in It For Me.”
WIFM is the radio frequency you need to tune into.
Let me be clear: it is certainly not about guessing what might motivate the other person.
In fact, my counsel is to resist thinking that you know why anyone is resisting your proposal.
That is not the effort which is demanded of you in this moment.
What you need to do is to create the conditions for them to tell you.
Let’s unpack this.
From Advocacy to Inquiry
Most EMs approach alignment through advocacy.
They explain.
They justify.
They persuade.
Repeat.
The WIFM approach requires something that can feel quite challenging at first:
You temporarily suspend your own advocacy to understand the other person’s reality.
This begins with a simple but effective move.
You name what is happening, without judgment, for instance: “I can tell this hasn’t quite landed for you.”
You then set aside your own position, explicitly: “As you know, I believe strongly in this project, but let me put that aside for a moment.”
And you invite theirs: “I’d really like to know how you see it” or “Can you tell where you’re at?”
At this point, the conversation changes.
You are no longer presenting a case.
You are opening a conversational space – in fact, it’s a relational one.
Using Structure Inside the Conversation
This is not a passive stance.
In practice, this means combining active listening with structured inquiry.
Part of the skills needed are those I labelled the ‘CSI approach’ in the Direct Contributor article.
[Receiving a Project: Relationship Wisdom That Shapes Your Career]
The ‘CSI approach’ consists of astutely using questions:
In the current instance, you apply this questioning discipline in a different direction.
For example: “If I’m hearing you correctly, your main concern is that this will affect your team’s current priorities. Is that right?”
This does two things.
It ensures accuracy.
And it signals respect.
Because being understood is, in itself, a powerful form of recognition.
From Opposition to Co-Creation
Once the other person feels understood, something shifts.
Defensiveness softens.
The need to protect reduces.
And a different kind of conversation becomes possible.
You can then explore together: “What would need to change for this to work for you?”
This is the turning point.
You are no longer trying to overcome resistance.
You are now working with it.
Not to abandon your initiative.
But to adapt it in a way that acknowledges the reality of others.
What Changes When You Get This Right
The impact of this shift is immediate and far-reaching.
Your resistant interlocutor now feels:
As a result, they are very likely to become more open.
Not necessarily because they fully agree.
But because they no longer feel the need to defend.
For you, the change is equally significant.
You move from:
And something else happens.
You begin to be seen differently.
Not just as someone who delivers.
But as someone who can navigate complexity across the organization.
Someone who understands that progress at this level is not about having the best idea.
It is about making that idea workable within a network of competing realities.
Your reputation, which might have been in tatters, is now enhanced.
The Compounding Effect
Like the moments we explored in earlier stages, this one compounds.
An EM who consistently applies this approach becomes known as someone who can get things done across boundaries.
You become the person others involve early.
The person who can unblock situations that have stalled.
The person trusted with initiatives that require coordination, not just execution.
And that reputation is what opens the next stage.
Because beyond this point, careers are no longer built on what you control.
They are built on what you can influence.
The Morale of the Story
Most professionals believe that influence is about persuasion.
In reality, influence begins with understanding.
Not abstract understanding. Not overthinking in an attempt to figure others out.
But the disciplined effort to see the situation as others experience it.
Relationship Friction at this stage does not come from lack of raw intelligence or cogent effort.
Relationship Friction comes from pushing a solution into a context that has not been fully illuminated.
Relationship Wisdom, by contrast, begins with a different move.
Letting go of advocacy. Resisting the urge to speak first — or over others.
Instead listening well enough that, when you do speak, others are ready to dialogue with you.
And when you do that consistently, no less than your organizational credibility is defined.
To explore how Relationship Wisdom can transform your career trajectory, feel free to get in touch.