Harnessing your anger can help you access your Relationship Wisdom.

Anger has a bad rap which I think is underserved.

While there is obviously much truth to Ryan Holiday’s statement that there’s “no one stupider than an angry person”, I wish to tell you about how to use anger to combat Relationship Friction.

In last week’s post, I advocated finding a reason to continue engaging even when you’d prefer to run a mile (or punch). Today, I am suggesting that you harness your anger as well.

Caught up in the friction of an exasperating conversation, we all have our own Hulk moment. We don’t turn green, but most of us become red-faced; some of us blanch in anger.

Inside our heads, the blood flows into our limbic brains depleting our higher executive centres. We can no longer think straight. We lose perspective. We become spiteful.

The neurobiology of anger makes us stupid. That’s a physiological truth.

But here is the relational pivot: staying with neurobiology, of all the survival emotions, anger is the most energizing so repurpose it for your own advantage – don’t let it turn you into a fool.

This is how I use that angry energy to continue to engage:

  • First, I notice the reaction: I feel myself becoming hot under the collar. Irritation literally tickles my nose. I feel righteous, offended, and entitled to an apology (and a grovelling one at that). I am riding my high horse.
  • Second, I accept the emotion: I notice and accept how I am feeling. I do not berate myself for being that horrible human being who only wants revenge.
  • Third, I resource myself: I feel the flow of my angry energy. I feel resourced by it and grateful for it. This moment of self-awareness allows me to shift my attention away from combat to strategy.

This is the ultimate formula for resilience: 

Reason 🤓 + Anger 🫴🏻😡 = The capacity to stay in rapport when it’s hard to 💪🏻

I combat the situation, not the other person.

I am no longer angry at my interlocutor, nor am I angry at myself. I am simply angry that we are at an impasse, and I decide it’s a challenge I am up for.

If you think it’s easier said than done, you are right. But I assure you: practice makes nearly perfect.

Wanna try? 🫴🏻

 

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📧 alexandra@coachingforinspiration.com
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